Thank you, but…

This year, admittedly, has been a ball breaker. Pandemics and Politics. Unemployment and Uncertainty, And for me, it’s also been a year of growth. Taking charge of my business, and my health. Losing 30 pounds. Cleaning my kitchen. I’ve been so fortunate to be healthy, able to scrape through this hellish year remarkably unscathed. And then, a stroke before midnight, I get sidelined. Nothing earth shattering. I got a “thank you for your interest in the position at *****, but…” email after a zoom screening interview with the HR person. I got past two screening emails, so it wasn’t my resume or my answers to the usual questions. It was me. I was uber prepared. I learned about the company, the founders, I asked what I thought were intelligent questions. I thought it went well enough to at least get a second interview. I was wrong, apparently. And me being me, I totally went there. It. Was. Me. I’m too old. I’m not hip enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. It was me. I cried a little. I thanked her for letting me know. I cried a little more. And then, I decided WTF, I’ve already lost the job, so I sent another email asking her what they were looking for that I was lacking so I could be better prepared going forward. She may not answer, she may send a reply I don’t really want to hear, but for me, that question was a small victory. Something I would never have done before. So I’m still crying a little. But, as this hellish year comes to an end, I realize, of course it’s me. Me isn’t always going to be enough for everyone. I’m a work in progress, so, me will just have to do. Happy New Year to all of the Me’s out there. You are more than enough.

Masked Woman Sitting on T*P of the World, The Coronavirus Series


Friend Request

One of the side effects of being quarantined is an even greater presence on social media. Now, I’ve always been a complete Facebook whore, even before Covid 19, but now? I’m all over it. I appreciate the downside of pretty much all social media. It’s completely anti-social. It’s mostly half truths. And anything you buy from a Facebook ad is probably coming from China. But. I was an invisible kid. By choice. I was shy. Gawky. Didn’t make friends easily and couldn’t figure out that it was ok for my best friend to have other friends. It didn’t mean they loved me less. So I stayed hidden, only coming out periodically to spectacularly humiliate myself in some way and then retreat again. The results of this were that I missed out on a lot. The passage of time has helped. A little. I still hate making phone calls because I’m pretty sure no one wants to talk to me. So I text everyone instead. That way I can’t see their eyes rolling. I’m colossally non-confrontational and simultaneously pissed off at everyone and everything. I feel like an impostor half the time and the other half, I don’t remember. So. All of a sudden there are these platforms where I can pretty much be whoever I want. I’m this badass, creative, hilarious person who may or may not actually exist. I’m an actress! An artist! A writer! I have friends who love me. Who support me…Wait a minute. I am an actress. An artist. A writer. I have friends who love me and support me. It’s a little bit chicken/egg. Did social media create this badass? Or was she here all the time?