I stopped making New Year’s resolutions years ago. Like most, they lasted a week or two until they disappeared into the abyss, going the way of lost dreams, odd socks, and Tupperware lids. This year feels different. I have done much I’m proud of in the last year, but…but. Why must there always be a but? I’m leaving 2021 with a feeling of unease. I’ve been unemployed for almost two years. That’s it. Nah. Not it. (I just have to interject a little sidebar: the first time I typed this, “unemployed” turned into “unplowed”. And that’s all Imma say about that.) I digress. Being at home, I have watched more Christmas movies then ever before, and I can honestly say, I’ve seen every version of Christmas Carol ever made. There’s an unspoken rule about the holiday season that every movie, tv special, social media post and commercial show family, both biological and chosen, as perfect. Holiday dinners, family vacations, smiling. Laughing. Embracing. Finding ways to be together even when far flung and far apart. Huh. My family doesn’t look like that. We are far apart. We don’t get to spend many holidays together anymore. We don’t call each other every day. We’re prickly. And a bit cranky. We walk on eggshells sometimes. We aren’t always comfortable telling each other everything. But. There’s that but again. I love them more than anything. I would do anything for them. Anything. And I know that love is returned. And I think my unease might just be the fear speaking. Fear that they don’t know how much they mean to me. How lost I would be without them. Fear that I’m not doing enough. Showing up enough. Being there enough. So. My New’s Years resolution. Let’s be serious. I’m still not gonna call them every day. And cranky? Please. I was born whining. So, my resolution is two-sided. On one hand, I want my loved ones to know I will be here for them, always. And I will accept that we are as much of a TV family as anyone else. We’re just a little more Munsters than Walton. Happy 2022 to all.

http://www.carynjune.com

This was the first draft of a commission for a friends mom. Her first reaction was “oh, so pretty…”. This moved rather quickly to “…so, I’m wondering if we can do less stones and less symmetry, this is reading a little superhero to me…”. I laughed so hard, cause she’s sorta right. There is a definite “Bracelets of Submission” feel to it that doesn’t work for everybody. So, I went back to the drawing board, and I found the purposeful asymmetry very soothing. I’m just throwing stuff around and seeing what creates a spark. The past 20 months has been horrific, yes. But the asymmetry of a completely different way of life was healing and calming and kinda zen. And as things go back to “normal”, whatever the hell that means, I’m finding myself a little ambivalent. I had four interviews for a perfect job. A company I believe in. Good money. Great people. Easy commute. Perfect. But all through the process there was a part of me that didn’t want this perfect job. I like being at home. I like having the freedom to go and do. Or not do. So, when I found out that I didn’t get the job, not because they hired someone else, but because they decided not to fill the position, my first feeling was relief. Followed by tears. And then, I stepped in dog shit. And now I’m wondering how much of an effect my secret ambivalence had on the outcome of this journey. Would the job have been mine if I really, really wanted it? Do I have that much power over my own life? Or is it merely that now that I didn’t get it, I realize, maybe, how much I wanted it, and that ambivalence is just fear in disguise? And what about the dog shit?!??!? So, now I’m back at square one. And I’m a little teary, a little relieved, a little scared, a bit ambivalent. And I truly have no idea what comes next. Well, other than cleaning dog poop offa my shoe. But in the asymmetry of an uncertain future, at least for me, there is symmetry.

http://www.carynjune.com