Ok, you know how everyone’s doing this ice bucket challenge right now to raise awareness for ALS? Well I got challenged by a friend at work and I was a little stressy about it. I don’t have a backyard, who’s gonna film it if my hubby is working, why did she have to pick me? While this is all stewing in my over cluttered brain, a colleague at work, someone I didn’t knew, got struck and killed by a drunk driver crossing the street to get a cup of coffee at Dunkin Donuts, something I do all the time. I decide, instead of ALS to donate to Mothers Against Drunk Driving in his name. So, I film myself giving this heartfelt speech about how I’m not gonna pour ice water on my head and blah, blah, blah, and I think I’m off the hook. Oh no. You cannot believe how many people called me chicken!! I’m being all heartfelt and meaningful and…chicken? Now, I know I’m being teased with a lot of love, but there is a kernel of truth. Everybody wants to look good, accomplished, beautiful, interesting. Social Media ratchets that up a thousand percent. Look how great I am, look at what I do, who I’m with, where I’ve been. No cracks in the facade. I hate being made to look foolish. Hate it. It’s the reason I was a good actress, not a great one. I believe the talent was there. The ability to let go 100% and possibly make a complete ass of myself was not. So maybe there is a part of me that just didn’t want to look like a big drowned rat on Facebook. But as I watched one of the loveliest young women I know get doused, I was dazzled by her huge smile and I thought, ‘chicken, huh?’ So I grabbed my husband, corralled our super to hold the phone and made an ass of myself. But as I watched myself get soaked, I also saw the big dazzling smile. The cracks in the facade? Beautiful.

Cracks in the Sidewalk #1, #2, #3
carynjune

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I should be locked up. Seriously, how many times am I gonna order a free trial of something and not pay attention to the fine print that says I have 14 days to cancel or I will be charged a zillion dollars. How many times am I gonna threaten the customer service guy with the Better Business Bureau because I just didn’t pay attention? As I sit on the train quietly sobbing because I really can’t afford to lose a zillion dollars, I wonder, is this it? Is this the time I’m gonna figure out that just because I don’t see the fine print, doesn’t mean it’s not there? And that nothing comes for free.

How Much? carynjune

I’m stuck. I started this blog as a kind of therapy. To navigate the paths and potholes of getting older, to find the excitement, the joy, the worthiness of myself, even as I sag a little more, creak a little louder, and really have to stay away from cruciferous vegetables. My jewelry is the physical side of the same self-exploration. I find I love writing. I love the give and take of finding the perfect piece to compliment the blog and writing something that perhaps inspires a piece if jewelry. Along the way, I’ve picked up a few fans, mostly people I know, but a few I don’t, which makes me feel good. I wrote twice a week for several months. And then, I ran out of pieces I hadn’t used, and I started to wonder if I wasn’t just repeating myself. I wrote less often and had less feedback when I did. I convinced myself that I had to write more, create more, or everyone would forget who I am. I got stuck. So. I’m sharing it with you all. And I’m repeating myself. Because, I’m stuck and a little scared and the heaviest expectations we have are our own.

Baggage carynjune