Things I Know

  • If you don’t pick up your feet, you will trip on the stairs, and your venti mocha frappucino light will land on the floor with such force, splashing up  and over you, leaving you standing there dripping, like Carrie at the prom. 
  • If you wait 40 years to apologize to someone you believe you have wronged, chances are they won’t remember. 
  • If you don’t watch where you are going, you will run smack into the sign on the subway platform. 
  • If it’s Monday, you will hate everyone. 
  • Conversely, if it’s Friday, everyone is your BFF. 
  • If you do something embarrassing, thinking no one is looking, someone is looking. 
  • The things that you hate the most in other people are the things you do all the time.  
  • You can’t get what you want just by wishing on a star.
  • If you listen to your parents and put $5.00 in the bank every week, you will have a lot of money when you are older. 
  • “They say you gain 10 pounds every 10 years” is not an excuse to eat doughnuts and ice cream all day. 
  • 2 pounds of cherries is not a piece of fruit. 
  • If you are a socially awkward, cranky and shy child, chances are good that you will be a socially awkward, cranky and shy adult. Just fatter and more wrinkly, and maybe just a little more interesting. 
  • Money can totally buy happiness. 
  • While you are pondering how homely the woman in front of you is, you will trip and fall on your face. 
  • Stepping on a crack will not break your mother’s back. 
  • You know a lot more than you think.  
  • You are only as ”         ” (fill in the blanks), as you think you are. IMG_0049Step On a Crack


    It’s So Nice to See Yew…Sorry, Autocorrect!

    The age of technology is an amazing thing. What did we do before we were glued to our cell phones? How did we get by without our tablets which do pretty much the same thing as our cell phones, but bigger? You can do anything on your phone. Read, write, play games, talk to people without saying a word, or ever looking them in the eye. My therapist lives in another state! The other day I tended 

    bar at a high school graduation party. All of the guest of honor’s besties were sitting around one big table, eyes glued to their phones, texting each other. They were at the same table! My therapist has suggested I go a week without Facebook. I hear you all sputtering, ” but, but, that’s crazy talk! How will you know what’s going on with all of your friends?” More to the point, is how will I go a week without comparing myself to my “friends”, without comparing how few comments and “likes “I get as opposed to my more successful, happier “friends”. Without feeling bad because my “friends” not only have better lives than I do, they get a lot more attention on social media than I do. Let’s face it, peeps. There are about 10 of you out there who are actually friends. You read my blog. You know it’s my birthday without getting an alert from Facebook, you are well aware that I am 30 pounds heavier than my profile picture. That I am cranky, prone to temper tantrums, loyal, funny, creative. That I’m scared of getting old, getting sick, dying. That I’m crying as I write this. You may be right here in NY or across the country, or anywhere in between.  And you know who you are. I don’t really care that my “friend” Skippy has a fabulous career, perfect children, a rich husband and 345 “likes” every time she does her laundry. Maybe Skippy is sick, or sad, or has marital problems. Maybe Skippy doesn’t have 10 real friends, like I do. Only 345 “friends”, who just see what she wants them to see.  

     Leaf Faces the Crowd


    Billions and Billions

    So I’m walking through the Roosevelt Avenue Station and out of the corner of my eye I see this heavyset woman and I think to myself, “I love her pants, but she is way to fat for that shirt.” About 2 minutes later, I see her again and I think, “Mmm, not so sure about the pants, her butt looks huge. Cute haircut though.”  I turn a corner and there she is again! At first I think “I don’t really like her hair. Color is great, but the cut?  Meh. And her shoes? Don’t get me started! She’s basically a hot mess. Fat, frumpy, old, shoes from Aerosoles”. Then as I enter the train I see her across from me. Bitch is stalking me! Wait a minute!  That’s not just some random fat stalker! That’s me! I’ve been catching my reflection in the plate glass windows. In the last few years I’ve come so far from myself, even I don’t recognize me. It happens so gradually. The years go by and suddenly you find yourself in a galaxy far, far away. In the cosmos of graceful aging, I made a left instead of a right and seem to have missed my stop. I could just drift along, waiting for a spaceship going my way, but there is not always another one coming along right behind this one, no matter what they say. I’m gonna have to take dark matters into my own hands. I guess I’ll just flag down the Man in the Moon and hitch a ride.

    The Canyons, Europe and other stuff 626

    The Man in the Moon