A while back, I made the decision to give up one of my jobs. This was an amazing opportunity to do something wonderful and special and was a perfect fit for me. Except it wasn’t. There is more than one reason at play here and I won’t burden you with any of them. I know I did the right thing for me, and I truly thought I would feel a sense of relief. Not so much. Here’s what I feel: Disappointment, in myself that I wasn’t immediately perfect. Guilt, in letting down my boss who invested a lot in me and my training, Inadequacy, how could I not have been great at this? I should have been f***ing great at this! Sadness, there were times when this truly was a complete and utter joy. So as I’m sitting with all these feelings, searching for the relief that I was hoping for, I see a speck of light here and there. I see the time Y came over after class and sat in my lap. I see the faces of C and O and S as they watch me being silly. I hear a clap, or a la la in the perfect place. I see a smile on a face that for the first couple of days, was covered in tears. And I know that this might have been the perfect fit at the perfect time in my life. That I might have been amazing with a few years of experience. And I also realized that I’m not at that perfect time anymore. I truly believe it is never too late to start something new, and I am living proof of that. I started three new endeavors within the last two years. I’m crushing this stage in my life. But maybe four jobs is one too many. Maybe I am spread a wee bit thin. Maybe I am getting fatter as I spread myself thinner…wait. What were we talking about? Ah, right. So, what’s the point? It’s ok to not be great at everything. It’s ok to step back from something because it’s just not right, right now. It feels crappy, like I failed, like I’m a quitter, blah, blah, blah. Those feelings live rent free in my head at any given time anyway, they just decided to have a little party. And left me to clean up. Why do I always have to clean up? Oh, right, it’s my house.

http://www.carynjune

Hi. How are ya? Been a while, hmmm? Me? Oh, fine. Fine. Living the life. Roof over my head. Friends. Family. Can’t complain. You? Good. Good. Back to me. Lemme preface this with a little backstory. So ya know how I lost like 30 pounds during the pandemic? And kept most of it off for almost three years? Well, last October, my niece, Molly got married. Amazing time in LA. We ate. We drank. We got our hair done. We just fit into the dress we bought in January. We ate some more. And when we got home, I was pleased to see that I hadn’t gained much weight. That is until, for some reason known only to the monkey goblins that live in my head, I decided that the reason that I didn’t gain any weight was because I must be dying. So just to make sure I was not, in fact, dying, I decided to eat whatever I wanted to see if I gained weight. A well-thought out and beautifully executed plan. So successful that I’ve been carrying it out for 10 months and have gained back every pound I ever lost. Good Times. And go ahead, ask me if I’m convinced I’m not dying. Meh. Jury’s still out. And all of a sudden, I’m not just fat. I’m fat with bad knees. I mean, trouble stepping off the curb, “oy, those stairs are a killer”, might need a cane soon, knees. I have managed for all of my over 40 life, to cheat old age. I dress like an overgrown child, I play, I dance, I carry on like a three-year old. And then, wham! Old Age gets pissed and accuses me of hiding cards in my bra! And just like that, I feel old. I waddle just a little due to pain and excess weight, my bunions have bunions, my bathing suit is more a bathing costume my grandma might have worn and the only pictures that hide the ravages of time are of the top of my head. And I’m a little sad. No matter how many funky pairs of overalls and sundresses covered in chickens I buy, I’m getting older. There are things I can do. Lose weight. Physical Therapy. There are still a few Queen of Hearts cards left to play. I just have to distract the monkey goblins long enough to stuff them in my bra.

Ascending Hearts, Sterling Silver and Brass

http://www.carynjune