Birth. WTF is this? Death.

Hi. How are ya? Been a while, hmmm? Me? Oh, fine. Fine. Living the life. Roof over my head. Friends. Family. Can’t complain. You? Good. Good. Back to me. Lemme preface this with a little backstory. So ya know how I lost like 30 pounds during the pandemic? And kept most of it off for almost three years? Well, last October, my niece, Molly got married. Amazing time in LA. We ate. We drank. We got our hair done. We just fit into the dress we bought in January. We ate some more. And when we got home, I was pleased to see that I hadn’t gained much weight. That is until, for some reason known only to the monkey goblins that live in my head, I decided that the reason that I didn’t gain any weight was because I must be dying. So just to make sure I was not, in fact, dying, I decided to eat whatever I wanted to see if I gained weight. A well-thought out and beautifully executed plan. So successful that I’ve been carrying it out for 10 months and have gained back every pound I ever lost. Good Times. And go ahead, ask me if I’m convinced I’m not dying. Meh. Jury’s still out. And all of a sudden, I’m not just fat. I’m fat with bad knees. I mean, trouble stepping off the curb, “oy, those stairs are a killer”, might need a cane soon, knees. I have managed for all of my over 40 life, to cheat old age. I dress like an overgrown child, I play, I dance, I carry on like a three-year old. And then, wham! Old Age gets pissed and accuses me of hiding cards in my bra! And just like that, I feel old. I waddle just a little due to pain and excess weight, my bunions have bunions, my bathing suit is more a bathing costume my grandma might have worn and the only pictures that hide the ravages of time are of the top of my head. And I’m a little sad. No matter how many funky pairs of overalls and sundresses covered in chickens I buy, I’m getting older. There are things I can do. Lose weight. Physical Therapy. There are still a few Queen of Hearts cards left to play. I just have to distract the monkey goblins long enough to stuff them in my bra.