Sitting on the Fence

The consensus seems to be among those of a certain age, especially women, that there is a great liberation in getting older; that we are less likely to care what other people think and more likely to do what we want because it makes us happy and fulfilled. While I believe that can be true, my experience sometimes proves otherwise. Certainly, I’m finding new ventures that are making me happy and taking chances that I may not have when I was younger, but have I stopped worrying about what other people think? Hell, no! In fact, as I face menopause, I think I’m even more concerned with the opinions of others. When I was younger, there was always the gift of time. I would get thin, find the perfect haircut, become a great actress, or singer, be beautiful and desirable. Whatever I wanted was going to happen, someday, with apparently no help or effort from me. The years flew by and I got heavier, gave up acting, sing only for pleasure, still search for the perfect haircut, and while my husband finds me beautiful and desirable, I think he’s crazy. But, I started my own business, and started writing this blog. I’ve been zip-lining, and rode a bike in the ruins of Coba in the pouring rain. I take more risks and feel more joy. And yet…I can no longer pretend that the cute 30 something guy in the subway is looking me over, or watching me walk. And why does that matter? Why did it ever matter? As I sit on the fence, balancing between what was and what will be, desire for that elusive, skin-deep attractiveness is lodged stubbornly in my throat, leaving little room for what’s really beautiful. 

 

Image

On the Fence    carynjune

One response to “Sitting on the Fence

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s