All this Backlooking is Giving me a Crick in my Neck

As I sat on the train this afternoon, I happened to be looking back at a post from February called, oddly enough, “Looking Back” which was about my decision not to refinance my mortgage to pay off my credit cards. I was going to strap on a pair and pay them off with discipline and hard work. Well, I worked very hard to get that debt higher than it’s ever been! Needless to say, things didn’t work out exactly as I planned, and I finally had to admit the only way I’ll ever get out of debt is to refinance. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I may have sold my Big Girl Panties for a couple of extra bucks. I’m a little scared I’ll do this dance over and over until my mortgage is higher than my apartment is worth and I’ll have to go live in a cardboard box. My husband is convinced we’ll be back in debt within the year. I closed on my refi this afternoon. It was the first time since I bought the apartment 14 years ago that I did it without my Dad. When he died, the apartment became mine. I know wherever he is, he is furious with me about my credit card debt, and although he’s been keeping mum about it, I still feel like a foolish 12 year old. But I’m not. I’m an adult. And while it would be easy to play both the fool and the 12-year old, I am neither. I understand that I made the best decision I could given the choices I made and the circumstances I am now in. All I can do from here is grow up.

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Fall or Fly carynjune

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