So you all know how I, (ad nauseum) go on and on about how I’m not this enough or that enough.  Well, the universe has a really interesting way of  pulling us up out of what my friend, Ed calls “the warm, shitty place” I got called into a meeting with my supervisor the other day, because for several months, I’ve been prone to emotional outbursts at work. I say several months with tongue in cheek, because, let’s face it. Anyone who’s ever met me, knows I’m prone to emotional outbursts preceeded by months of muttering under my breath.  But now, I’m blaming it on vertigo and menopause. Well, after the obvious warnings about unprofessionalism, blah, blah, it turned into a less than stellar performance review. What the…?! I knew I was unhinged, but I though I was doing a great job!!  Isn’t it worth the emotional instability, being that I am so %#^*ing great at my job?  Well, no…and I’m not. After 24 hours of feeling defensive and wronged…mutter, mutter, mutter…I had to accept the truth. I have all of the tools to be great at my job. To be a great actress, if that’s what I wanted, to be a great jeweler, a great writer, a better wife. All I have to do is get out of my own way.  One of my acting teachers said to me once, you give a great 75%.  I got it. But it didn’t stick. I’ve given a fine 75% to everything I’ve ever done. And I think I’m getting away  with it. Until I’m not. Then I’m pissed and defensive, and prone to emotional outbursts. And really, the person I most want to yell and scream at is myself…”Please, once and for all, get the %#^* out of my way!!!”

Losing My Mind

carynjune