I’m Rubber, You’re Glue…

I have spent my whole life pissing people off. I don’t intend to. I just let stuff simmer and fester, escaping in an occasional mutter, creating ongoing arguments in my head until something is said that pushes my defense button and BOOM! i remember my mom telling me once that I wasn’t a very nice person. Ouch. You read all the time about people who don’t care about others, who step on anyone on their way up the ladder, who basically could care less what other people think. I straddle this precarious divide between being bitchy and bossy and whiny and annoying and really wanting everyone to like me. I’m basically a spoiled 8 year old. I seem to lack the wisdom and confidence and sense of control that comes with adulthood. The ability to say how I feel with kindness and grace. And even as I’ve worked hard over the years to develop these skills, I have literally no clue if I’m doing anything right. I made a loved one mad. I think. I’m not even sure because they don’t seem to be talking to me. I did something that they didn’t agree with. I did what I could to make it right. I felt that the manner in which this loved one called me on my mistake was unduly harsh. So I told them how I felt about it. And whether it was the original mistake or the fact that I expressed my feelings afterwards, this loved one isn’t talking to me. Now, that’s just a lot of backstory. A little visual aid if you will. I am now perched, once again on that rickety blame fence. I’m never completely sure what side I belong on. The side where I made a mistake, corrected it and was honest with someone I cared about, or the side where I’m an ass and should have just said, “Sorry” and assumed it was all my fault, cause, well, it usually is. This is a tricky balancing act. I’ve been wrong enough times that I no longer trust my own judgement. I know the difference between right and wrong. Don’t steal. Be kind. Tell the truth. Don’t kill anyone. Don’t covet your neighbor’s…well, you get it. The big stuff. It’s the subtle stuff I don’t seem to have a handle on. I construct these scenarios in which I am always right, until I’m not. Have I hurt someone’s feelings? Have I snapped at someone for no reason? Have I made a joke that might hurt someone? Have I gotten defensive when I could just be calm? Yes. I try and make it right. But how peaceful it would be if I could do it right the first time and get off that f*$# ing fence.

On the Fence

http://www.carynjune.com

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