Yes…No…Maybe

I’ve always been a bit of a quitter. I start things that I don’t always finish. As a kid I took one guitar lesson, a couple of painting classes. I signed up to dance in a talent show at the community center and just never went. Of course I’d never taken a dance lesson in my life, but I was convinced I could channel my inner Martha Graham and wing it. Until I wasn’t. I signed up to be a volunteer, because it’s clear from every Oprah show I’ve ever seen that giving back makes life worthwhile. I haven’t done a second of volunteer work and every time I see Oprah on TV or the newsstands, I want to kick her in the shins. Today, I walked away from
a group I’ve been a part of for several years. A group of 4 women who met in Weight Watchers and felt the need for deeper reflection and exploration. It has been a tremendous blessing in my life and I owe a lot of my growth to this group of women. But more and more, other things got in the way. And as another member pointed out, I didn’t fight hard enough for this little piece of time on a Saturday morning. I felt defensive at first, until I realized she was right. I didn’t have to like how that made me feel, but I had to face the truth. I wasn’t as committed as the other three were and yet I didn’t want to leave. Perhaps because I wouldn’t be a part of something. At least not that something. But when I decided to step away, I felt a great sense of relief. Until I didn’t. It is certainly true that it wasn’t working for me anymore. It is also true that personal feelings were making it harder to be objective. Leaving feels like the right move. Until it doesn’t. Or maybe it does, but it still makes me really sad. And that’s ok. Even when you are absolutely sure that moving on is the right choice, it doesn’t always feel good. So, how do you know for sure? How do I know if I’m listening to my heart or hearing only the monkey chatter in my head, moving on or giving up? Making the touch choices or taking the easy way out? How does anyone really know? Except for Oprah.

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On The Fence
carynjune

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