I’m walking around with a low grade terror that I can’t seem to outwit. It started last week, when I spent the day with my mom while she was poked and prodded at St. Francis. She is completely fine and was probably having a panic attack. Seeing a pattern here? I woke up Saturday with a relapse of the vertigo I thought was gone for good after a months long battle in 2015. It was not nearly as bad, and seems to be righting itself. So why am I so much more anxious now? I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. To wake up tomorrow or the next day and be incapacitated like the last time. So instead of dealing with the fact that I’m really ok and can function just fine, I’m terrified about the time when I’m not and I can’t. How do people do it? How do they handle chronic conditions that lie in wait without being scared all of the time? And how much of what I’m feeling is simple anxiety? How do I figure out how to stop borrowing trouble? To stop being so afraid that I’m going to feel bad, that feeling bad is all I’m doing? And the most important question…Why the ^*%# am I popping crazy pills if I’m still crazy?!?! Maybe I’ll embrace it. Maybe I’ll let my fingernails grow and wear tissue boxes instead of shoes. Or maybe I will take deep breaths and trust in whatever higher power is out there, trust that if I feel ok, chances are I’m actually ok. I’m ready for my close up, now….

Higher Powers, Reversible Pendants

carynjune