I had a physical this morning, and because I have a heart murmur, I was due for an ultrasound. And apart from my leaky little valve, this 12 year old doctor informed me that my heart’s a little stiff. This apparently is not uncommon among post-menopausal women. WTF??? I mean, seriously. What the actual f#%^*? She didn’t seem concerned and said they’ll do an ultrasound every year and keep an eye on it, blah, blah, blah. And I asked not one question. I had my blood drawn. I winced when I got on the scale. I peed in the cup. But it wasn’t until I was home that I thought of all the questions I wanted to ask. So of course, I googled it. Big mistake. Amyloidosis! Diastolic Dysfunction! Heart Failure! Ok, everybody just calm down. And for G-d sakes, step away from Google! One thing I do know, I need to care for myself. I do not need a doctor to tell me that binge eating, yo-yo dieting, lack of sleep, stress, these aren’t good for anyone, at any age. But let’s face it. I’m not 20. And neither is my heart. I will continue to deny that right up until my last breath. But that doesn’t make it any less true. So I’ve started meditating to get to sleep at night. I’ve committed to working with my therapist every week and not just when I feel bad and can no longer fit into my winter coat. And today. I went to the gym. And Imma go tomorrow too. Scouts honor. I promise myself from the bottom of my leaky, slightly stiff little heart.
A Chip of my Heart